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这是一封business letter, 高手们看看有什么不对的地方~改改错,只要是错都说出来~THX~

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这是一封business letter, 高手们看看有什么不对的地方~改改错,只要是错都说出来~THX~
October 16th ,2010
xx street,107
Dear Lady:
I am sorry to write to you to ask for days leave.Last week,i felt not so good for myself,but i didn't care about that,so it became worse,that i have caught a heavy cold,which was a ordeal for me, So i have to write to you to ask for a leave,and i wish you can me the consent.Thank you.
Sincerely yours,
Susan
这是一封business letter, 高手们看看有什么不对的地方~改改错,只要是错都说出来~THX~
Dear lady 后面的冒号去掉 商务英语写作中这种符号不允许
后面应该是Yours sincerely 不要逗号
你的内容没有条理,没有说清楚请几天假 而且语言逻辑不够紧凑 典型的中式英语
October 16th ,2010
xx street,107
Dear Madam
I am sorry to write to you to ask for two days leave.Since last week, I have caught a heavy cold,which was a ordeal for me, I have to two days off to see a doctor,and I hope that you will allow me to ask for sick leave.Thank you.
Yours Sincerely
SusaN
这是我写的 希望你可以满意