英语节的英语小报我上五年级了，最近我们学校要举办“英语节”。帮帮忙吧!最好是有翻译的。帮帮忙吧！

英语节的英语小报
我上五年级了，最近我们学校要举办“英语节”。帮帮忙吧!最好是有翻译的。帮帮忙吧！

)TOM’S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom. why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner. a sign says. "School-Go
Slow".
汤姆的借口
老师:汤姆.您为什么每天上学迟到?
汤姆:我每次路过拐角.一个路标上面写着:"学校----慢行."
DID YOUR DAD...
2)Tom call Jim’s name:"I can’t bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!"
吉姆说:"你妈妈能!"
附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点.
3)Tom call Jim’s name:"I can’t bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!"
吉姆说:"你妈妈能!"
附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点.
4)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God. what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny". then the man says: "God. what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second". then the man says: "God. can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊. 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝.我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
5)Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back.mother asked him."Did you buy a good box of matches?"
[Yes.Mum."Tommy replied."I have tried them all."
一盒小火柴
妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴.汤米回来后.妈妈问他.[你买的是好用的火柴吗?"
[是的.妈妈."汤米回答.[我把它们都试过了."
6)Father:Uh.oh.I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.
Susie:That is okay .dad.the policeman behind you just did the same thing!
开车
父亲:哎呀.我刚才违规右转弯了.
苏西:没事.爸.跟在你后面的警察也这么转了.
7)Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents."What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
[I gave it to a poor old woman."he answered.
[You`er a good boy."said the mother proudly."Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
[She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱.
[昨天给你的钱干什么了?"
[我给了一个可怜的老太婆."他回答说.[你真是一个好孩子."妈妈骄傲地说. [再给你两分钱.可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?"
[她是个卖糖果的."
8)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked."What happened?"
[A kid bit me."replied Ivan.
[Would you recognize him if you sew him again?"asked his mother.
[I`d know him any where."said Ivan."I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里.他妈妈问.[发生了什么事?"
[一个男孩咬了我一口."伊凡说.
[再见到他你能认出来吗?"妈妈问.
[他走到哪里我都能认出他."伊凡说.[他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里."
9)Teacher: Here are two birds. one is a swallow. the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师: 这儿有两只鸟.一只是麻雀.谁能指出哪只是燕子.哪只是麻雀吗?
学生:我指不出.但我知道答案.
老师:请说说看.
学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀.麻雀旁边的就是燕子.
Two little brothers,
One lives on one side,
The other on the other side,
They hear what you say,
But they do not see each other.
比较一下汉语中的谜语：
左一片，
右一片，
长到老，
不见面。
有异曲同工之妙！谜底皆为耳朵（ear)
小学英语名言警句
A contented mind is the greatest blessing a man can enjoy in this world.
知足是人生在世最大的幸事。 －Joseph Addison（美国作家艾迪生）
If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.
要想知道钱的价值，就想办法去借钱试试。 －Benjamin Franklin（美国总统富兰克林）
If you wish to succeed, you should use persistence as your good friend, experience as your reference, prudence as your brother and hope as your sentry.
如果你希望成功，当以恒心为良友，以经验为参谋，以谨慎为兄弟，以希望为哨兵。－Thomas Edison（美国发明家爱迪生）
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
有时候一个人为不花钱得到的东西付出的代价最高。－Albert Einstein（美国科学家爱因斯坦）
You have to believe in yourself. That's the secret of success. The man who has made up his mind to win will never say "impossible".
凡是决心取得胜利的人是从来不说"不可能的"。 －Bonapart Napoleon（法国皇帝拿破仑）
Our destiny offers not the cup of despair, but the chalice of opportunity.
命运给予我们的不是失望之酒，而是机会之杯。 －Richard Nixon（美国总统尼克松）
Genius only means hard-working all one's life.
天才只意味着终身不懈的努力。－Mendeleyev（俄国化学家门捷列耶夫）
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
从一个国家的广告可以看出这个国家的理想。 －Norman Douglas（英国作家道格拉斯）
The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.
实现明天理想的唯一障碍是今天的疑虑。 －Franklin Roosevelt（美国总统罗斯福）
The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.