帮忙润色一篇essay,是final draft了,请大家多多给意见

帮忙润色一篇essay,是final draft了,请大家多多给意见
Stock Market and Teenagers
Nowadays,stock market is no longer a strange phrase and becomes a common topic in the daily life.It provides more opportunities for people to make money through financial investment in the hope of improving the quality of life.Everyday,we can see the latest quotations from the stock exchange on newspapers; also,more and more ordinary people become stock investors,even some teenagers.Stocks are simple.All we do is buy shares in a business with good management and promise.I have a friend,who started to invest in the stock market when she was a secondary school student.She enjoyed doing it,and her parents supported her for the purpose of sowing the seeds for her own future.Although the stock market is full of risks,it encourages young people to learn to exist in a highly competitive society.
As a matter of fact,investing in the stock market is a good learning process,which helps teenagers assimilate into the business community.We are young,so we can afford the result,even though the stocks are much more risky than other things.In reality,the share prices fluctuate every second,and it might go up and down sharply.However,if it goes up as a trend in the long run,we would have more money to strive for what we want in the future.We are not children anymore,so we should be responsible for our future,thinking about what we can do now.Society is developing.If we just stay in the childhood and be protected by our parents,we will never grow up.Maturation cannot be accomplished without closing to the reality.
On the other hand,investing in the stock market could nourish well-rounded individuals.Good psychology,proper investment methods and positive attitude with a long-term mindset are necessary for a person to be a successful investor in the stock market.Therefore,when we learn how to invest,we will also receive a correct outlook on our lives.For instance,before we consider which stock should be chosen,we must know the performance and the background of the company.In this way,it strengthens the ability of dealing with things for us.
As we see,studying is not the only one way to be successful in the present.For parents,they have to give us plenty of space with proper support,so that we could acquire ample opportunity to perform on the stage.And for teenagers like me,we should realize that opportunity only comes to people who have prepared for.Therefore,stock market is a good springboard,which provides people,including teenagers,with real financial experience on risk and opportunity.

第一句becomes改为has become
in the daily life改为in our daily life
people become改为has become或are becoming或join the army of stock investors
all we do is buy改为all we have to do is to buy
shares in a business改为shares of a business
promise改为promising future/great prospect/potential
not children anymore改为no longer children
so we should be responsible for our future改为
and we must shoulder/take the responsibility of our own future
promise改为promising future/great prospect/potential
closing改为getting close to
最好用expose ourselves,getting more exposure to the real world
使用on the other hand要当心,不如用moreover,further more
well-rounded individual 改为all-rounded personality
Good psychology改为good psychological quality
correct改为good
on the stage 加上of life
it strengthens the ability of dealing with things for us.改为
it gives us more vision to the world/it helps us to deal with the world better不要用things
the only one way 改为the only way/the sole way
who have prepared for改为who are fully prepared
文章框架还不够明显,结构不是非常平衡,逻辑提示不明确.看得出来还是很有潜力的,还需要训练.