英语翻译………………请标准的翻译一下…………

英语翻译
………………请标准的翻译一下…………

Today’s my birthday.My GF phoned me in the morning and told me she’d love to celebrate my birthday at my home with a big surprise.After hearing this news,I work extremely hard.I work for three customers. Wher I back to my company it was already 3 o’clock.I’m to hungry!There’s only cooked pork and beans in the dining hall.I could only have it.But nearly going back home,my farts are like the jeep engine doing work.wtf it is…But just now my GF called me to go back home,she was home at that moment.On the way home I managed to fart as much as possible and when I got home everything seemed to be good.My GF cover my eyes with a cloth so that I can’t see anything.At that moment I wanted to fart again…My gf led me to the table and I promised that I wouldn’t look at anything.What the fuck feeling I felt.To my wish,my GF’ s mobile phone ringed,she went to another room to answer the MP.I caught the chance and turn all my power to my tight leg and,there’s a smell like bad egg.The smell can wake the deaths up!But after this,another fart came out.That was a real King-Fart.The newspaper was blew off,and I had to stick up my hips to release my fart.One after another,I raised my hands but the smell still remained.In order not to let my gf down.i come to the balcony in blind.I took my pants and underwear off my knee.And the fart came out crazily with raising hands to expulsion the smell.After ten minutes,I heard my gf saying byebye on the phone elegantly, I felt much more better and went back to the hall.I pretended to be gentle and elegent.My gf said sorry tome for keeping me waiting so long a while and asked me whether I’d looked at anything.Of course I said no then she took off the cloth cover.”Feel surprised?These are my friends.They said the you on the photo was so handsome and gentle and they’re bent to see u today.See the five on the table are my best workmates and the six on the balcony are my best friends at school.”At that moment I finally discovered in terror that a group of girls sat on the table across me and on the balcony there was another group.At that moment there were expressions on their faces that can’t be described.Just like discovering the Martian.